


As a White Stone

by tea_with_sgt_barnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Stucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2644496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_with_sgt_barnes/pseuds/tea_with_sgt_barnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Steve helps Bucky in his recovery, Bucky remembers his relationship with Natasha and they all deal with the aftermath. Can Steve and Bucky get past this revelation and back to each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Memory of Her

**Author's Note:**

> As a white stone in the well's cool deepness,  
> There lays in me one wonderful remembrance.  
> I am not able and don't want to miss this:  
> It is my torture and my utter gladness.
> 
> I think, that he whose look will be directed  
> Into my eyes, at once will see it whole.  
> He will become more thoughtful and dejected  
> Than someone, hearing a story of a dole.
> 
> I knew: the gods turned once, in their madness,  
> Men into things, not killing humane senses.  
> You've been turned in to my reminiscences  
> To make eternal the unearthly sadness.
> 
> -Anna Akhmatova
> 
> My own response to this Tumblr post: [ I want a Stucky fic that deals with the fact that Bucky and Natasha had a relationship when they were both with the KGB/HYDRA.](http://teawithmrpond.tumblr.com/post/102815201861/i-want-a-stucky-fic-that-deals-with-the-fact-that-bucky)

It looked like a well-appointed studio apartment with a small gourmet kitchen area, plush leather couches and a loft with a king size bed, but it was a cage. Three of the walls were solid, but one was an electronic force field only accessible from the outside after three separate security protocols.

But he wasn't always stuck inside. They let him out with an ankle bracelet to see the therapist and when he was with Steve.

But when Steve wasn't with him or he wasn't at the doctor's he was here. He understood why and it was fine. Besides, he'd had the ankle bracelet figured out weeks ago. If he really wanted to go he could go. It was his choice to stay. But today, today was the first time in a while he really wanted to go instead.

But he didn't. Steve would be there soon to see how his session went, so he sat on the edge of the couch, feet wide, elbows on his knees, and waited on the buzz of the force field going down.

The buzz came, and Steve walked in with a big smile, so happy to see him. Bucky forced himself to stand, to smile back and accept the hug. This wasn't going to be easy.

They both sat back onto the couch, and Steve grabbed Bucky's flesh hand in both of his and began to slowly rub Bucky's wrist with one of his thumbs. "How did it go today?"

"Surprising."

"How do you mean? Did you not remember anything new?"

Steve's hands were so warm, so reassuring, but Bucky just couldn't make the words come out. "Several things."

"Do you not want to tell me?"

Bucky took a deep steadying breath. "I don't want to, but I need to."

"I'm listening."

Maybe if he started with the best one, it would soften the blow. "I remember the time you had an asthma attack so bad I thought you were going to really die on me. You were out of medication, so we both ended up in the bathroom with the shower running and a towel stuffed under the door. I remembered holding you on my lap, running out all the building’s hot water and praying the steam would work."

"Ah," Steve whispered and his whole face lit up from within. "Our first kiss."

"Yeah." Bucky turned over the hand Steve was holding and threaded their fingers together.

"I couldn't help myself." Steve was almost blushing now. "Once my breathing was under control I looked up at you and you were looking at me like that, like I can't even describe and your hair was all wet and curling up everywhere and your undershirt was see-through and plastered to your chest and there was nothing else I could do."

Bucky laughed. "You looked like a drowned rat. And I was so damn scared. I just knew I was losing you. Then when you took that first real deep breath, I thanked God and swore I'd never let you go. I just wanted to fuse you to me, let you crawl inside me and keep you safe. Then when you kissed me I knew my prayer had been answered."

Bucky was staring at their joined hands, so he didn't know Steve was crying till a droplet hit his knuckle. There just might be more where that came from. Bucky really didn't know if he could do this.

Steve pulled his hand away to wipe his eyes. "Sorry. I know that doesn't help. It's just... That's just... a really important one. That's great progress."

Bucky touched Steve's face for just a second, then looked back down to absently pick at a thread on Steve's jeans. "I remembered something else too. Something from... after."

They both knew after meant after he was taken "Oh. How bad was it? Can you talk about it?" Steve touched Bucky's knee, giving it a light reassuring squeeze.

"It wasn't bad, well, not in the way you think. I remembered her." There it was. The thing that would hurt him. Bucky never wanted to hurt Steve again, but he had to tell him. He owed him the truth.

"Her, her who?"

"Natalia, Natalia Romanova."

"Natasha?  You knew Natasha?  Or do you mean when you shot her?"

Bucky glanced up and all he saw was warmth and concern. Maybe not for long. "No, not then" Bucky knew he had shot her because he'd been told, but he didn't remember. "Before that. I was there for her training...and after."  God, he was a coward for dragging this out.

"Does she remember? She's never said. But she doesn't talk about that time too much, even after the SHIELD info leaks." Now a little concerned confusion seemed to be creeping into Steve's voice.

"I don't know. But that's not all. It was more than just me being her trainer."

"You mean you were friends?"

This was too painful. He was just going to have to come out with it. "No Steve, I remembered being with her. With her and more than once. I think, I think I loved her and she loved me and when they found out they wiped us. Or me at least. From what I can piece together, my times out of cryo were much shorter after that." Bucky leaned in, placing his hand on the back of Steve's neck, touching their foreheads together. "I'm sorry Stevie. I'm so sorry."

Steve pulled back a little but squeezed his knee again. "No don't be. It's okay."

Bucky shook his head. Steve would always say something like that, but he knew it wasn't okay, it couldn't be. Bucky moved Steve's hand away then stood and walked to the kitchen. 

He was still leaning into the fridge when Steve came up behind him, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his neck. "There was a part of that time you weren't alone and it wasn't all horror. That's a good thing. I'm happy for you."

That just really pissed Bucky off. Either he was coddling him or he was so saintly Bucky would never deserve him again. Bucky sat the water bottle back in the fridge, then turned and gave Steve a weak shove. "Really Steve. I just told you I betrayed you, that maybe Natasha, one of your best friends, has lied to you. And you're happy about that? Come on. That's too much, even for you."

Steve took one step back towards Bucky. "I didn't say that. I said I was happy for you. And you didn’t betray me, you didn’t remember me."

Bucky backed up a step. "Fuck me Steve, I don't want you to tiptoe around this. I don't deserve it. How do you feel?

Steve ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I don't know. I am happy for you, but yeah, I'm hurt, confused. I really don't know, it’s been two minutes. I can't process something like this that fast."

"That's fair." Bucky walked back to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure there's a point."

"Do you, do you still care about her?" Steve's voice sounded meek, like maybe he didn't really want the answer to that.

Bucky would have rather he'd yelled at him. That tone cut right through his heart like a dull blade. He opened the bottle and took a long drink before he spoke. "I don't know. I don't have enough of those memories back to tell. I'm not sure I want them if they're just going to hurt you, if they're just going complicate things for everyone."

"But I think you need them, Buck." Steve took two steps closer, and Bucky let him without moving away.

"Why?"

Steve stepped even closer and placed his hands on Bucky's hips while Bucky nervously fiddled with the water bottle cap. "You can't just pick and choose what memories you want back, it will make everything too skewed. You'll never really have the truth that way."

"I don't want the truth, I want you." Bucky knew he sounded like a child, he didn't care. He tossed the water bottle onto the island and tugged Steve closer by his belt loops. Bucky slowly ground against the crotch Steve’s jeans while trailing wet open kisses along his clean shaven jaw line.

“Bucky stop. We’ve talked about this. Not yet and not here.” Steve tried to pull back but Bucky just pulled him in even closer.

“Why? Cause they’re watching? Screw them. Let them watch. It might make it even more fun. Maybe Coulson will save a copy of the file and let us have it” Bucky tried to pull Steve down into a kiss but the stubborn bastard wouldn’t be moved.

Steve gave Bucky enough of a light push that they broke apart. “No. I meant it Bucky. You can’t use sex to avoid the issues. What you remembered is huge and we need to work through it.”

Bucky walked away and flopped himself on the couch with his arms folded and his booted feet crossed on the coffee table. “Yeah well, I think I’m done talking for today.”

“Buck…”

“I’m tired Steve. Really. You should go.”

Steve ran his hand through his hair again but he didn’t move from the kitchen area. “That’s understandable… I guess…”

Bucky picked up the remote and switched on the tv without looking up at Steve.

“I’ll call you soon?”

“Fine”

“We can hit the gym or call whenever you’re ready to talk more.”

Bucky flipped through the channels without really seeing them. “Sure thing Stevie.”

There wasn’t any response. Bucky just heard the buzz of the force field as it was lowered then put back up. He raised both arms high in the air, middle fingers pointing to the corners of the room. He didn’t know who was watching but it was guaranteed someone was. He really should just go.

 ****  
  



	2. Two Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve confides in Sam

Steve was determined to prove Tony wrong. This heavy bag wasn't supersoldier proof. Either it was going to break, or his hand was, whichever came first. Physical ache would be a welcome change.

He was so focused on destroying the bag and dulling the pain he didn’t hear Sam come in. 

"Hey Cap, what’s up?"

"Nothing." Right, right, left. Jab, Jab, hook, left, left, right. Don't think. Hit. Harder, harder. 

"Tell that to the poor bag."

He should have locked the door. Put up a ‘Closed for Maintenance’ sign or something. "I’m trying to." Hook, hook, jab, jab, jab, upper cut. Harder, harder, faster. Come on, Rogers.

"Barnes okay?"

Damn. He really didn't want to be having this conversation. He just wanted some new pain to replace the ache. He didn’t want to talk or think, just hit something. Harder, faster, faster, don’t stop. "Oh, he’s fine. Remembering more and more every session." That came out way more sarcastic-sounding than he meant it to.

He felt Sam's hand on his shoulder and he reluctantly stopped. "Seriously dude, what’s going on?"

Steve turned to Sam, finally acknowledging his presence. He walked to the bench and started unwrapping his hands. "Nothing you need to worry about."

Sam held his hands up in mock surrender. "Hey, hey I get it. What’s between you two is private, I know. But remember? Before you drug me back into all this.” Sam’s arms made circling motions. “Sam Wilson, licensed counselor. Man, I can leave it alone if you want.” 

He walked over and sat beside Steve on the bench, putting his hand on Steve’s. “Or we can talk and keep it professional and confidential. Look, he’s got somebody to talk to, maybe you need that too.”

Steve threw the old tape on the ground, set his forearms on his knees, and looked at the ground, not Sam. Maybe Sam was right. He was constantly telling Bucky how important his therapy was and how much good it would do. Maybe it was time he took his own advice. 

Steve looked over to Sam with a small apologetic smile. "Hey, I know you were about to work out, but after you’re done, do you what to get some coffee or a protein shake or a juice or something?"

Sam smiled, slapped Steve’s shoulder and stood up. "Nah man, we can go now if you like, I feel the need to hydrate a little more before I start anyway."

###

On the walk from the S.H.I.E.L.D gym to Jrink in Dupont Circle, Steve filled Sam in on what Bucky had remembered.

Sam didn’t say anything until they had their drinks and had found a table. "Whoa man, really? That’s deep. Natasha never mentioned it?"

“No, not to me at least. He knows they wipe his memory once they were discovered but he doesn’t know what was done to her.” Steve had thought and thought about whether she knew or not. She’d said she didn’t know right after they’d found out Bucky was The Winter Soldier, but... 

“Nothing about it was in the leaked info?”

“Not that I saw.” Not that he’d seen, no, but she still could have erased it right before she released all the Hdyra information . He wanted to trust Natasha, but she was still so hard to read. 

“What did you say to Bucky?”

“I told him I was happy for him.”

Sam choked a little on his juice at that and set his cup down, coughing. “Did he buy that?”

Steve shook his head and almost laughed. “Not really.”

Sam leaned in and his face seemed more serious. Steve thought he looked like he was going into counselor mode. “How do you really feel? Not how you think Captain America is supposed to feel. Not what feelings you think would best help Bucky. How does the real, flawed like the rest of us, Steve Rogers feel?”

Definitely counselor mode. Steve set his drink down and crossed his arms. “I don't know. Jealous, hurt. I feel like for all intents and purposes I was dead at the bottom of the Arctic ocean and he was alive and in love with someone else. And I know, I know, he went through unimaginable things but, remember how after I realized it was him, we fought that day and I said 'Even when I had nothing I had Bucky'?” 

“Yeah, sure. That whole day is a little hard to forget.” 

“Well, when I had nothing, Bucky had someone else. I realize I shouldn't begrudge him what little happiness he might have had. It's just hard knowing someone else was there for him, slept with him, loved him and it wasn’t me.”

“And that someone was Natasha?” 

Steve unfolded his arms and leaned forward, wearily rubbing his face. “And that someone was Natasha.”

“That’s got to be hard. Did you guys talk it through? Where did you leave it?”

Steve let out a short slightly bitter laugh. “He pouted and deflected. I almost gave in but didn’t. He shut down. And I left.”

“Tough.” Sam patted Steve’s hand, now resting on the table. “Do you think he’s going to talk to her?” 

Steve patted Sam’s hand in return. “I'm not sure. He's not sure it would help, but I think he really doesn’t have choice. For all of us, this has to come out.” And no matter how much it hurt, Steve thought, he was going to be right there for all of it. 

“What do you want, Steve? You were on the path to reconciliation – are you still going there?”

Were they? They had to be. Steve didn’t think he could survive anything else. But he might just have to. “I hope. Somehow. I just thought the more he remembered, the closer we would be and the easier it would get. But I feel like it's just getting harder. What if it's her he needs and not me? What if she can relate to him in a way that I can't? What if she's better for him than I could ever be? If they both still love each other, what can I do?”

For the second time that day Sam put his hands up in mock surrender. “Whoa. Whoa. Slow down. Slow down. That is not at all what I asked you, Steve. What do you want? It's okay for Captain America to show a little selfishness in his personal life. It's okay to want something for yourself. You deserve it.”

That was a good question. Steve took a deep cleansing breath and really thought about it. “I want him to recover as fully as he can. I want him to be happy. And I want him with me. I know we can't have back what we lost, but I want something going forward that at least starts to make up for some of it. After everything, don’t I, don’t we, deserve that?”

“Damn straight.” Sam leaned across the table and lightly punched Steve in the shoulder. “But you and I both know life doesn't always work that way. Not unless you fight for it. Maybe not even then, but you still have to fight, right?”

“If it's the right thing to fight for.”

“I guess that's what you need to figure out. And I’m here for you Cap, whatever you need.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again Thanks to [Callay!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/callay) and to everyone that left comments for chapter 1!
> 
> Next Chapter will be Bucky & Nat but the Holidays are killing my writing time. But I'm working on it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Callay!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/callay)


End file.
